Stop Relationship Transition Troubles in their Tracks

Author: Cheri Timko

Posted On April 22, 2022

For two years, my husband worked out of state. We had three small children at the time, and it was our priority to limit their time in childcare. He left on Monday mornings at 3 am and returned on Thursdays by mid-afternoon. I was able to sandwich most of my work as a psychotherapist around this schedule. The schedule was challenging, but the transitions were grueling for our relationship.

Every week, we transitioned from being together to apart, then apart to together. Although we had a lot of practice, we never got very good at weathering these transitions. We tended to grow cold or get into an argument before he left. While we were apart, I was prone to feeling overwhelmed and angry. When he returned, it took a couple of days to get back in-sync. Which happened just in time for him to leave. It’s taken years for me to let go of the resentment of that time period. And we didn’t have any major relationship issues during those years!

We still struggle with transitions now, even though we rarely travel separately. Most couples struggle without realizing it. When one partner travels, they become cold and distant. Or get into an argument. While they are separate, they feel disconnected and lonely. This is when insecurity issues bubble up. Then, they have trouble getting back in-sync when they reunite.

What’s happening here?

A transition is when a couple moves from being together to being apart or being apart to being together. These separations are normal and happen within the safety of the relationship. All couples have to deal with transitions to some degree. For most couples, they deal with a transition when one of them travels. If one partner travels frequently, they have to deal with regular transitions.

Most couples ignore the impact of these transitions. It can cause a lot of problems in the relationship. Good transitions happen when you are thoughtful and intentional about planning for them. You need specific activities that you do to help you move back and forth.

When you’re mindless about transitions, you will argue right before one of you leaves and/or when you come back. You can change the way these transitions go by thinking about where the rough spots are. Think about and recognize whether you have trouble and when.

These are some of the signs that you and your partner are struggling with transitions.

There are three transition points: 1) saying goodbye, 2) being apart, and 3) reuniting. When a couple handles transitions well, they plan for the challenges at each of these transition points. They take specific steps to feel connected. And they show compassion for one another when they have a rough transition.

Don't be fooled by an initial honeymoon period. If things quickly fray around the edges, you are still having transition issues.

A good question for each of you to ask the other is “what help do you need?” Be prepared to hear some specifics and to take on those requests.

Conclusion

Transitions can rock your relationship. When you ignore them, they're likely to go poorly. Safeguard your marriage by thinking about these transitions and preparing for them. Don't just let them happen anyway they do.

You can assume that most transitions are going to have some discomfort and rockiness. When a transition goes poorly, it feels bad for most couples. Don't determine the health of your relationship on your transitions.