Should You Forgive Your Spouse?

Author: Cheri Timko

Posted On March 11, 2022

“He wasn’t there for me!!!”
"She had an affair!!!"
"I was scared in our argument!!!"
"I told them in confidence and they repeated it!!!" 

When you got married, I would bet that no one warned you that you would have to forgive your partner so frequently to make the relationship work. There should be a disclaimer in the Marriage Manual. (No Marriage Manual? That should be a thing!) It would say, 

DISCLAIMER: “Be prepared to forgive this person every day. They will not always be the best version of themselves. To save yourself repeated pain, you may need to revise your expectations to fit who they really are.”

Part of the joy of being in a relationship is that someone else knows you at a deep level. You are able to share who you really are. They have the privilege of seeing the parts of you that you hide from the rest of the world. There is great connection in being seen, heard, accepted, and loved. Few other relationships allow this.

The trouble is that being close to someone else also makes you vulnerable. They can hurt you. And they probably will. Not because they don’t love or care about you. Usually that is a side issue.

Why does one partner hurt another?

None of these is a good defense for hurting you. We seek to understand the “why” of what happened, but sometimes it can make it harder to forgive them.

Once your feelings are hurt or you feel let down or betrayed, you have to decide what to do about the situation. You have choices in how to respond. There is not predetermined path, so don’t dismiss any of your options. Each one has repercussions for the future. Your choice should be made intentionally and thoughtfully.

How to move forward?

A lot of people have a lot of opinions about what you should do in any given situation. Some will tell you to forgive your spouse, even for the most hurtful acts. Others will tell you what you should or should not put up with. You get to decide which choice to make. Don’t choose one option because others expect you to do it. When you follow a path set out by someone else, you will have a harder time following through.

Not every hurtful act should be forgiven. How do you know when something should not be forgiven? Here are some guidelines to help you:

You will need to answer these questions when you are calm. You are likely to make an impulsive decision when you are in the heat of an argument or the middle of a new disclosure. You need time to think clearly about the situation. Give yourself time to think about what you want and need.

Only you can decide what is the right choice for you. There are often many other factors involved. You can take time to deliberate and weigh the many factors. Just because the answer to one of the above questions is negative, it doesn’t mean that you can’t forgive. Ultimately that choice is yours.

There is a time for forgiveness. There are also times when forgiveness won’t be enough.

Are you struggling to forgive your spouse for a deep relationship injury? Read the blog series “How Do I Forgive My Spouse? Why Can’t I Get Over This?” to understand what to do about it.