Micro-Moments: How to be Lazy in Your Relationship
In my heart, I am one of the laziest people you will meet. If you know me in IRL, don’t turn away just yet. I’m also a perfectionist with very high standards. Trust me, these fit together.
When I learn something new, I take a deep dive into understanding it. If it takes 100 steps to get the best possible results, I will learn every one of them.
Then, my lazy side kicks in. “But that takes SO MUCH WORK!” I say in my whiniest voice.
Next, I cut out as many steps as I can until I get the least number needed to get the same results. I don’t want to use any extra effort to reach the goal.
I've used this approach when I was learning traditional cooking. I know how to make foods from the most basic ingredients. I learned how to make bone broth, cheese, fermented foods, and understand food labels. Then, I identified the core, most powerful parts of the steps. And I hacked it so I don’t have to work that hard or think that much about it.
I’ve done that with relationships, too. Over the years, I have amassed a deep knowledge of what it takes to have a close and connected relationship. This doesn’t mean I know everything yet—I still have a few more years of study till I get there. Then, I cut back to the essence of what really matters to get the results that you want.
Here's what I learned. If you pay attention to key moments in your relationship, you can change the path of your relationship with a minimal amount of energy.
When you pay attention to the Micro-Moments in your relationship, you can be pretty lazy about it. You will catch the most powerful opportunities to build and maintain a strong relationship.
Micro-Moment are the small interactions and decisions that make a difference in your relationship. The rest of the time you can go with the flow if you catch these key moments. Think of these as imaginary forks in the road. When you get to the fork, you decide which path to take.
I’m sure you recognize some of these Micro-Moments:
- That moment in a discussion when you can choose retaliation or connection.
- When you hear your partner sigh and you know they want to talk with you about something they think is important.
- The attitude you have when you walk into the door at the end of the day.
Each of these represent a Micro-Moment—an opportunity to do your normal thing or shift the entire experience. Without intentional awareness, you blindly move through these moments without a second thought.
This is the essence of being lazy: you can change your whole relationship by catching and changing these Micro-Moments. To have a good relationship, you don't need a personality makeover. It is about choosing very small changes at key pivotal moments.
When you stack one positive Micro-Moment on another, you change the trajectory of the relationship.
To make the most of these moments, you need to:
1. Know which moments matter.
- You recognize that everyday discussions can turn into arguments when either of you feel your buttons being pushed.
- You understand that your partner needs your support on rough days.
- When you get home, you realize that you have to shift gears.
2. Be on the lookout for the cues.
- When talking with your partner, you learn to recognize the red flags that show that you are ready to pounce.
- When your partner sighs, it means they had a rough day and need to talk.
- The front door to your house becomes a reminder that you are entering a new space and need to check on your attitude.
3. Pick which path you want to be on.
- In a discussion, you have the choice to take a deep breath to center yourself, take a break from the topic, or give your best cutting comment.
- When your partner sighs, you can ask them how their day was, say “here we go again,” or ignore them altogether.
- Walk through the door carrying whatever mood you picked up during the day or set an intention to be present.
You will take the pressure off of the rest of your day if you pay attention to the important moments when you have choices. Attend to these, and your life will get much easier.
Having a good relationship is not rocket science. You don’t have to plumb the depths of your psyche to understand yourself and your partner before you can live the good life together. Instead, you need to understand how to live well together. That means paying attention to the smallest, but most vital moments.
You can learn more about Micro-Moments by reading: